High School Would You Stay?

[Tealxblack25]

Hi All, sorry for the length but I am in desperate need of advice and I wanted to make sure I explained everything

So, I have been a Varsity Division 1 high school coach for 2 years, I was varsity assistant coach for 1 year, and JV Coach for 1 year so a total of 4 years!
Some of you may remember I posted a petition in here to get reinstated due to unfair circumstances in which they let me come back.

Over the last two years as head coach there have been many many good positive things happen within the program and 8/10 times it goes unnoticed and unappreciated (banquets, tumbling classes, booster club paying for things) but obviously, with sports there is always going to be some negative - and I'm not talking constructive criticism, I'm talking downright mean, nasty and here's where it comes from:

Here's a quick back story.
There are 3 Coaches for Varsity - Me, and 2 assistants - 1 of which works at the school as a resource teacher.
In the beginning of the year 2016 Football we were all on the same page, everything was great but I started to feel like I was losing confidence in myself because it started to be really 2 against 1 and my opinions , ideas, and words were always wrong.
Both my assistants had really poor attendance and while they were there for some things, They weren't there to the point where team took notice and I was the only one with them all the time and I never missed a practice or a game. EVER!
The only practice I missed was for my cousin who came home to say goodbye because he was deploying, which, that's a legit reason to miss

and to make a long story short, there was a lot of things that happened within the season that myself and the 2 other coaches didn't agree on and it really ate me up inside and I wasn't performing as a coach to my full potential.

I deal with a lot of different types of personalities - there are a lot of your typical teenage girls on my team, sassy, defiant, eye rollers, head shakers -- but there are a bunch that are ready to work, respectful, and follow the rules. Every tryout, knowing some kids don't like me, I beg them, if you do not like me or respect me PLEASE don't tryout and then they all walk in the door to the next tryout.

So, with that being said - here's my bind --

My school offers the girls at the end of each season to fill out an anonymous survey to which I then go meet with the athletic director and we go over the surveys.

1st Season Football - Season was good, good amount of talent and skill - didn't place very well at states and surveys Surveys were so-so

2nd Season Basketball - Season was GREAT, team was good, skill was good didn't place very well and didn't make it to states - Surveys were bad / negative

3rd Season Football - Skill was great, talent was there - lots of quitting due to drama, health reasons but Surveys were VERY VERY good and constructive and positive

4th Season Basketball (this past season) - season was rocky, only had 11 kids , and not a lot of strength to work with, had 4 different girls go on February vacation and cheersport nationals and very rarely had a full team practice - Surveys were again, very bad. Worst they've ever been !

The surveys were basically begging for me to step down as head coach and have the two assistant coaches step up and coach.
As anyone would imagine, this is super heartbreaking as we can all agree that coaching is a very thankless job - There were a lot of decisions made and opinions thrown out there that were forced upon me and went against what I believed in but .. because it was me that delivered the decision or opinion.. I became the bad guy even though I didn't agree.

example: We had an injury in the beginning of January and our first comp was beginning on February - I was the only coach that wanted to still go and compete and mark a stunt. The team was divided in this decision but ultimately it was my decision but I also wanted to hear out my other two coaches and they did not want to compete still - so we didn't compete. Well, low and behold an email comes through to me saying how unfair it is .. these girls work way too hard to be pulled from competition and why don't you believe in them? .... this email was also sent to the AD's office complaining about me -- but what no one knows is that it wasn't my decision !

Many times I was thrown under the bus, blame was put on me, athletes were talking badly about me right in front of me, athletes were talking to coaches at the banquet right in front of me about getting rid of me. It was just constant.

So now, I am at a loss.
I am so beaten down and upset about this mistreatment that I just want to leave. I want to leave and submit a resignation letter and just bring to light all of these things.

but then on the other side of the coin I want to say "if you don't like me or respect me, don't cheer"
I don't want to let them win! If I leave, they win -- I am so conflicted on what I should do so I turned to the FB family <3

Thanks everyone
and if you need more information please PM me

 

[tojofasho]

INSERT FIRST POST HERE
Thanks everyone
and if you need more information please PM me

I deleted some of the post so that it didn't take up a ton of space, but this is a direct response to you @Tealxblack25. First, let me start by saying you love these kids, and it shows to us. Coaching is a thankless job and you can't please everybody, and everyone knows cheer brings out the craziest parents. With that being said, the most important thing is do the positives outweigh the negatives? If you think it's worth it, try to stay on. Get two new assistants that will work well with you and who will actually be there when you need them, and not constantly miss practice/throw you under the bus. You're the Head Coach, so yes, any decisions that come about are technically decided by you. You have to own that - if you don't like a decision, you don't make it. Yes, you will step on your assistants' toes, and yes, you will make some people mad, but it's one of the unfortunate parts about being a Head Coach. You get all of the blame and very little of the glory.

Also, don't worry about "the parents winning" by running you out or whatever, just worry about you and what you think is best. Don't let the opinions of others dictate what you are doing. If your heart is in the right place and you just want to coach and help these girls, hopefully the school sees and has taken notice of it. If not, it's their loss and you can coach somewhere else. At the end of the day, it may get better or it may stay the same, there's no way to know. You can only hope for the best.

P.S. The anonymous surveys sent in sound like TOTAL BS. I've never heard of something more absurd in my entire life - athletes aren't supposed to be friends with their coaches, they're supposed to respect them. That's it. And sometimes that means they won't like you - that shouldn't mean they get to destroy your career! Hopefully your AD isn't too swayed by the surveys and supports you.

 

[coacha]

I would not coach anywhere where my assistants arent on the same page as me or at least where they understand that they are the assistants and they are there to back you up. You will undoubtedly have parental and teenager issues, you need to know that your coaches have your back.

Having said that, you have to realize that as the head coach you are ultimately responsible for all decisions and the direction of the program. So, if you dont like a choice, don't make it. Once its made, you can't place the blame elsewhere, the buck stops at you, so to speak.

That said, anonymous surveys? Really? Does any other coach in your school have to deal with that?

 

[quitthedrama]

I hate that this is going to be super blunt and it isn't intentional but it is just my writing style. I'll start by saying that your heart is in the right place. Coaching at the rec or school level can be a thankless job. You will always be the bad guy to some. It's the way it is, and if you can't handle it then coaching, at least at the head coach level isn't for you. That seems to be the case here based on your post.

"Every tryout, knowing some kids don't like me, I beg them, if you do not like me or respect me PLEASE don't tryout"
This to me is a glaring issue. You do not have the right to tell anyone not to try out because they don't like you. That right there is a deal breaker, and if that is the way the season started, then as an athlete I would have a hard time moving past that, but I'm damn well going to try out because it is my right as a student and I can't help who was hired to coach the team. You can be the most respectful, hard working kid on the planet, but those words are going to start the season off on the wrong foot. In a sense you set those kids up to already think there are going to be issues albeit unintentionally.

As far as the decision about not competing - that is on you. You are the head coach, so you take 100% of the responsibility of what happens with the team, even when it may not be your fault, so you may as well make decisions that you are comfortable with. By allowing others to make decisions for you, you are showing that you aren't confident in your abilities. Again, maybe not intentional, but just based on how you presented the situation you really are letting your assistants run the show. Not that you want a dictatorship, but you can't let the assistants or the team walk all over you, and that is what seems to have happened.

I think will be difficult to overcome the sentiments of the students and parents in this school system, especially if one of the assistants is a school employee. In our area that basically automatically gives them the job if they want it. However, you did not mention how your relationship with the AD is - that may make a difference. That doesn't mean you shouldn't coach at all though. If it is something you enjoy, then either look at exactly what you need to do to make this team successful, or look for a different district to coach in. Maybe take a step back and ask to help a coach you have a lot of respect for, and take "lessons" on how they work with their teams and what discipline they use and how they interact with their parents. Or if you do continue this position or find a coaching position at another school, set not only expectations, but also be realistic as to the teams ability and interest level.

I hope things work out for you!

 

[OldskoolKYcheercoach]

Quit

The problem isn't that this program cannot be turned around. The problem is that your current coaching environment is like you're living in an abusive relationship. You keep trying to figure out how to get out of it, but end up suckered back in thinking they're going to be better. They're not going to be better until you grow a backbone and lay the smack down. Unfortunately, they have such a hold over you emotionally right now, that you will be hesitant to do so and/or will end up quitting in the end anyway.

Cheer coach positions are a dime a dozen, and as I like to say "I was looking for a job when I found this one."

 

[EWalsh1029]

It may be time for you to move on. Whether it be at a different school, or as an assistant to someone like @quitthedrama said to learn a bit more about what being a head coach entails. It just seems like that program isn't the right fit for you right now. If it isn't enjoyable for you (which it sounds like it may not be at this point) you have to learn when to "say goodbye" no matter how hard it may be, if you're not 110% into it as a head coach, it won't work.

I agree a lot with what @quitthedrama says about the whole "not liking" thing - it's their right to tryout and it's not your job to be liked by them, it's to coach them (if that makes any sense). I'm now going into my 4th season as a head varsity coach and I've dealt with my fair share of girls and parents who didn't "like" me or my decisions; but in the end they saw how it benefited the team and the program and they respected that. As for the sass and eye rolls - we need to remember we are dealing with a teenage girls - that's basically in their DNA at that age - you can't take it personal and you need to establish that it will not be tolerated or it will just continue. You have to be confident in your decisions and own them - athletes and parents want a head coach who makes the correct choice and sticks to it and is able to confidently give the program what it needs to succeed.

Also, not getting along with your assistants is kind of a red flag to me. My JV coach is my Assistant and if we didn't get along and balance each other out like we do - our program would not run. We give each other different practice ideas, schedule bonding, & cover games/practices and when need be. We always have each other's backs because we are working toward a common goal. You need a strong, compatible coaching staff to create a well rounded program. I couldn't imagine having an assistant I didn't mesh well with.

I was a Varsity assistant for three years (6 seasons), JV head coach for two of those years (4 seasons) also, and my first year as a head Varsity coach was still overwhelming even with all of that learning and growing as an assistant and JV coach. The position of a Varsity head coach is not an easy job. It's tough, thankless and exhausting at times. If I didn't have the experience or the guidance from some great local coaches I wouldn't be where I am today.

^ that's all just how I feel. I hope it doesn't come off as too harsh, but when dealing with situations like this it is kind of black and white. Trust me, I've had my share of struggles as a coach (feel free to DM me if you want to discuss more). It took me years to find the balance to handle the position of head coach.

 

[SparkleSpankies]

So I sent you a message the other day, but my advice is leave. You seem to be stuck in a place where you aren't being treated as you should be. Just my 2 cents.

 

[Tealxblack25]

So I sent you a message the other day, but my advice is leave. You seem to be stuck in a place where you aren't being treated as you should be. Just my 2 cents.

I got it ! I am going to write back - I took the weekend to do some soul searching

 

[SparkleSpankies]

I got it ! I am going to write back - I took the weekend to do some soul searching

When you write back, I did the same We will talk

 

[oncecoolcoachnowmom]

For what it's worth, I have never cared if kids liked me.

Respect me? Maybe.

But not like.

Some of my best athletes did not personally like me but they respected me.

You need not like me to cheer for me.

 

[Official OWECheer]

I am not a coach but I would be GONE. If the athletes and the coaches are willing to give you that much hell and disrespect, IMO it is not worth it. Some other program will be happy to have you.

Just don't put too much stock into other people's opinions of you. It's better to be respected than loved.

 

[Tealxblack25]

Hey everyone, Thank you so much for the different advice and opinions. I decided to hang up the coaches jacket and resign from the program.
I have come a long way in coaching and I know that there is a difference between liking and respecting and for me there was neither. The reasons why I started telling these kids, "if you don't like me or respect the program or me, please don't cheer" is because I am the coach, I make the rules and policies - if you are going to be defiant to them, then its going to be a long year for you

I'm not crying in my pillow because they don't like me, I'm not here to make friends but having coached most of them since middle school its a little shocking to find out they all pretty much despise you as a coach and want you gone.

There were coaches and athletes being chummy with each other and working against me to get me to leave.
We had a banquet and it was the talk of one of the tables about girls having meetings with the AD to convince him to get me to leave.
These other two coaches were actually telling girls on the team "yeah well when you're on MY team next year ______ " so during the season they were already telling girls they are coaching next year like I was pushed to the side like chopped liver

It happened multiple times including at the banquet that I worked so hard to put together and do multiple athletes and its interesting to me how they think that type of thing isn't going to get back to me.
I'm at the point where if they think they can do such a great job, go for it!

Its to the point where if I stay, and they leave, they will make my life a living hell behind the scenes by still talking to athletes, the girls will still go down to her office and talk about me , and they will go to watch competitions and pray for my failure.

all in all I am sad to have left, I wish the AD would have been a little more hopeful for me to stay after telling him the only reason why I am unhappy is because of the other coaches because I do not have a solid support team. If I had a stolid support system and coaching staff things would be so much better but he didn't seem to see it that way so I ultimately felt I had no choice but to step down.

Thanks everyone <3
I will still be on the boards for sure !

 

[dat.jpp]

Hey everyone, Thank you so much for the different advice and opinions. I decided to hang up the coaches jacket and resign from the program.
I have come a long way in coaching and I know that there is a difference between liking and respecting and for me there was neither. The reasons why I started telling these kids, "if you don't like me or respect the program or me, please don't cheer" is because I am the coach, I make the rules and policies - if you are going to be defiant to them, then its going to be a long year for you

I'm not crying in my pillow because they don't like me, I'm not here to make friends but having coached most of them since middle school its a little shocking to find out they all pretty much despise you as a coach and want you gone.

There were coaches and athletes being chummy with each other and working against me to get me to leave.
We had a banquet and it was the talk of one of the tables about girls having meetings with the AD to convince him to get me to leave.
These other two coaches were actually telling girls on the team "yeah well when you're on MY team next year ______ " so during the season they were already telling girls they are coaching next year like I was pushed to the side like chopped liver

It happened multiple times including at the banquet that I worked so hard to put together and do multiple athletes and its interesting to me how they think that type of thing isn't going to get back to me.
I'm at the point where if they think they can do such a great job, go for it!

Its to the point where if I stay, and they leave, they will make my life a living hell behind the scenes by still talking to athletes, the girls will still go down to her office and talk about me , and they will go to watch competitions and pray for my failure.

all in all I am sad to have left, I wish the AD would have been a little more hopeful for me to stay after telling him the only reason why I am unhappy is because of the other coaches because I do not have a solid support team. If I had a stolid support system and coaching staff things would be so much better but he didn't seem to see it that way so I ultimately felt I had no choice but to step down.

Thanks everyone <3
I will still be on the boards for sure !

who the actual fawk says that?

 

[Tealxblack25]

who the actual fawk says that?

says what.. lol

 

[OldskoolKYcheercoach]

says what.. lol

I'm glad you posed the question. I was wondering the same thing.