Hey All, Life Advice Please.

Discussion in 'Random' started by Sterling von Shimmer, Jul 2, 2019.

  1. Sterling von Shimmer

    Sterling von Shimmer I Fierce Board instead of work/study

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    My sister’s boyfriend wants to propose to her soon. We know this because he told my mom his intentions about two months before she died, and she told me. He got her blessing.

    But a few days after that they broke up because, my sister told me, they cannot communicate. However, then my mom’s health took a turn and she looked to him for support. Now they’re back together.


    I’m just a little worried about her relationship with him at this juncture. I know he’s a good guy, but I don’t know if they’re compatible. And I don’t want her accepting a proposal from him at this point in her life when she’s overly emotional. Couple this with the overwhelming feelings of dread that I know she experienced during their break up (“I’m getting too old (28 lol) and I don’t want to start over,” “It’s better than nothing,” etc.) and I’m just a little concerned about her capacity to make a lifelong decision at this point in her life.

    My sister knows my feelings about this and knows that I didn’t really care for how her bf treated her during the breakup. But obviously I put those feelings aside for the past month. However, now that my mom’s funeral is over and things are returning to normal, I’m not sure if I should say anything or just let it lie. Again, I don’t think her bf is a bad person, he just might not be right for her. He does not communicate when he doesn’t feel like it. And — as I’ve told her — she doesn’t have to settle for that. She’s smart, funny, ambitious, and super hot. Like literally when-she-walks-into-a-room-the-odds-are-that-she’s-the-cutest-girl-in-there-and-it’s-been-that-way-since-she-was-three kind of hot. And she doesn’t have to put up with someone who won’t talk to her because literally any other man on the planet will.

    So IDK what do you guys think.
     
  2. oncecoolcoachnowmom

    oncecoolcoachnowmom Bestest Newbie '14

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    My youngest brother is currently engaged at 24. She is not exactly the woman I would have chosen for him, nor do I really think he is mature enough, but this has been a great exercise in MINDING MY BUSINESS.

    Reasoning: Adults are going to do what they want.
     
  3. CheerItFullOut

    CheerItFullOut When all else fails.... I shimmy

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    Let her make her mistakes... my sister is on engagement #3... you can imagine my eye rolling with this one, but Its someone else’s life- you are a spectator... an observer - what will be, will be
     
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2019
  4. alpaca

    alpaca Somewhere... some one.... is giving me a slow clap

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    My husbands family was not thrilled about our engagement and not only did they let him know, they let me know too. Their butting in did not produce the effect they wanted. However it did give me fair warning of what I would have to deal with for the rest of my life. We've been married for over 20 years so I guess their opinions about us not being compatible have proved incorrect.

    She will do what she wants. If you interfere with her relationship you will forever be known as a busybody.
     
  5. quitthedrama

    quitthedrama I buy my Insta followers

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    "I don’t think her bf is a bad person, he just might not be right for her." If she brings his name up at all to you, this right here is all you need to say. And then let her know that whatever she decides you will always be there for her. And then leave it alone unless she comes to you - and stick with the same line. That way if they do end up together there are no hard feelings about negative things you said about him.
     
  6. XtremeWpg

    XtremeWpg I have my own cheer message board

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    I'm here to tell you that it won't matter what you say, she will do what she will do.

    I married my first husband who my family hated, and who I didn't particularly like, and to this day I couldn't really tell you why I did it, but thats an issue for me to sort out with my therapist.

    No amount of protesting would've changed what I did. Literally zero. My sister tried, my best friends tried, it matters none.

    Aside from that, communication is the most complex thing humans do. Everyone is different and flat out saying "we can't communicate" doesn't fly in my world. If that's your only real issue, then maybe seeking help is better and learning how the other person communicates is in your best interest.

    My current husband and I communicate in completely different ways. I'm very direct, what I say is what I mean, I do not beat around the bush or ask leading questions trying to find a "gottcha" moment. My husband assumes that everyone is dancing around the issue, isn't being fully truthful and always tries to answer the question he thinks I'm asking instead of the one I'm actually asking.

    Example-
    Me: "how long will you be working outside" (wanting to know minutes)
    Him: "well, I have to nail the boards together, then put the plates on the joint, hammer the rebar in and then rake the gravel back"
    Me: "thats not at all what I asked"
    Him: "Oh yeah. It'll be about 2 hours".

    Also, men are notorious for communicating differently than women. Its actually evolutionary and I could go into it if you really wanted. 6 Ways Men & Women Communicate Differently

    But yeah. Shes going to do whatever she wants. If she wants to, as you seem to describe, settle, then she will.
     
  7. Sterling von Shimmer

    Sterling von Shimmer I Fierce Board instead of work/study

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    Thanks. That’s partly what makes it so difficult. If he was some terrible person who constantly provided examples of why she should dump him, it might be easier to prove my point. But I think they’re right in that grey area where it’s good most (like 60%) of the time. And the hopelessness she feels at the idea of starting over is enough to keep her around.

    And I totally get it. I stayed with a guy who was “good enough” for years because there wasn’t anything explicitly wrong with him. We just weren’t compatible. But I was too scared by the idea that if I left, I might not find anything better and would’ve blown my chances at being at least reasonably content. Cut to two years later and I actually felt elated after I dumped him because I hadn’t realised how much work the relationship had become. So I totally get where she’s coming from and just hope she keeps her head straight enough to either a) walk away or b) realise how much work the relationship might be if she doesn’t, and be prepared for it.
     
  8. Sterling von Shimmer

    Sterling von Shimmer I Fierce Board instead of work/study

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    Usually I’d agree with you, but oh hell... do they have problems communicating.

    Example: when they broke up, only my sister understood that it was a break up. He just thought they were “on a break.” Neither one of them were aware of this disconnect until like a month later when they started talking consistently again. They have trouble defining their relationship even when there isn’t one to define.
     
  9. TealShades

    TealShades I have my own cheer message board

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    I was in a similar situation as your previous relationship so I know how you feel to be scared to move on from something that could be an good enough relationship but not great. That’s where your sister might be now. But just think about where you were with your ex. Would you have listened to what your loved ones said about your relationship? Your sister may already be thinking this might not be the right guy for her. Or maybe the guy isn’t thinking about asking her to marry him . If she brings anything up regarding her relationship then just let her know you be there for her with whatever she decides. Also I totally get your concern for happiness. Hopefully it all works out for her. I’m sorry for your loss.
     
  10. XtremeWpg

    XtremeWpg I have my own cheer message board

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    Right. But that is not what I'm saying.

    People who say "we can't communicate" frequently haven't even attempted to rectify that issue. They don't stop and consider variance in communication style and personal communication requirements. If 2 people want to put in the work required to improve their communication, then they can. But just saying, oh nope we can't communicate isn't attempting to make things work. My husband and I put in work to overcome our communication barriers, because they are there and they are prevalent. But because we both want to improve, we both make alterations to our natural style that accommodate the other person.

    You can see a counselor to facilitate improved communication, you can read and study different styles, you can take tests to see how each person communicates. That's how relationships should work. You can't just shrug and go, well this is just how this is. If you want things to work, you have to put in the time, effort and maybe money. Anyone who things that any relationship should somehow just function perfectly is setting themselves up for disappointment, because although I think I have the best marriage, it requires effort and time because, well, we're people.
     
  11. Sterling von Shimmer

    Sterling von Shimmer I Fierce Board instead of work/study

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    Well they are in counseling, so that’s something.

    The cynic in me thinks it’s way too much work for a couple that is just dating. There’s nothing at stake yet. It’s not do or die for the kids/family/estate/whatever. But maybe that’s oversimplifying things.

    I guess I might be spoiled though. My fiancée and I are just a couple of introverted weirdos who both fell into jobs that do not suit our personalities whatsoever (he’s an athlete, I was cheering when we met and coach now). Meaning we basically exhaust ourselves mentally at work (the “teammate” aspect of his job forces him outside his head, the “yelling at girls to put their shirts back on in front of the water polo players” aspect of my job does the same for me), go home, watch Live PD and fall asleep because we both know neither one of us feels like talking. It’s either great or super unhealthy, I can’t tell yet. So maybe I’m not even one to talk.

    I’m just concerned for my sister because I think she’s the greatest and don’t want her treated unfairly.
     
  12. WinstonsGirl

    WinstonsGirl I'm an announcer on CBS for Worlds (or should be)

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    At most, bring up your concerns with her once, and drop it after that. They're adults and you can't make them do anything. Since there doesn't seem to be any issues with personal safety for either of them, keep out of it. I guarantee she will choose her BF/FI/Partner over you in the end and you will miss out. And relationships are usually different on the inside versus what everyone sees on the outside, for better or worse.
     
  13. Eyes On The Prize

    Eyes On The Prize Slow your roll, Sparkle.

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    You dont have to have kids or be married to go to couples counseling. You can go when your 3 months in or 30 years in. You said there was a miscommunication when the breakup happened, it would make sense that theyd seek out counseling. If theyre both going, then it seems like they both acknowledge things need to be worked on and are serious about resolving them for the benefit of the relationship. Otherwise, they wouldnt go.

    Sometimes couples should get help before they actually do. And when they finally do, its too late and too far gone to overcome whats been said/done. Nothing wrong with being proactive and talking with a professional to help guide difficult conversations to keep the relationship healthy.

    It seems like she wants to make it work so I dont think saying what you think is going to help. Sometimes just being supportive of your sister, despite your opinions, is whats best for her and your relationship with her.
     
  14. Sterling von Shimmer

    Sterling von Shimmer I Fierce Board instead of work/study

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    Yeah the overwhelming response has been to stay out of it so I will. If she’s asks me about him again, I’ll just try and be as diplomatic as possible just in case he is my BIL one day.
     
  15. alpaca

    alpaca Somewhere... some one.... is giving me a slow clap

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    Maybe things are different now compared to when I got married. But pre-marital counseling was a requirement for getting married in our church. Not just one session. But a series of sessions. There were things that came up that we may not have discussed had we not been guided to those conversations. I completely agree that talking with a professional in a pro-active way is a way to keep a relationship healthy.