All-Star Confessions Of A Cheermom

[notyourcheermom]

I don't mention The Fierce Board, and I may lead people to believe that I learn things on Twitter. I definitely am down in front on the floor recording on my phone, never in a seat and I am playing it back in slow motion frame by frame on the parts where CP messed up at or her SG, and while I would never dare give my input to the coaches or mention that I have it, if someone else's CP messes up, they come looking for me because they know I recorded, but if a coach walks by, we put the phone down and do the slow blink. Sharing cooking recipes over here only. Nothing we can do about it anyway, but we still want to see. And, yes, if the cheer mom roommate we're sharing a room with does not really have Diet Dr. Pepper in her Diet Dr. Pepper bottle and wants to add a splash to my Diet Coke, well. . .

 

[Ally13]

More of a soccer sister confession (I really need to get this off my chest), but I had to go to Italy to one of my little brother's soccer tournaments. After being with four other seven-year olds in an eleven hour car ride, I filled my water bottle with vodka* for the rest of the trip.
*I feel like I need to explain this, but I'm a military brat and for the last 14 years of my life, I've lived in different countries in Europe and was 18 (old enough to drink in Europe) and knew how to drink responsibly and everything.

 

[CricketCheerMom]

I don't mention The Fierce Board, and I may lead people to believe that I learn things on Twitter. I definitely am down in front on the floor recording on my phone, never in a seat and I am playing it back in slow motion frame by frame on the parts where CP messed up at or her SG, and while I would never dare give my input to the coaches or mention that I have it, if someone else's CP messes up, they come looking for me because they know I recorded, but if a coach walks by, we put the phone down and do the slow blink. Sharing cooking recipes over here only. Nothing we can do about it anyway, but we still want to see. And, yes, if the cheer mom roommate we're sharing a room with does not really have Diet Dr. Pepper in her Diet Dr. Pepper bottle and wants to add a splash to my Diet Coke, well. . .

I don't do roommates, too much drama!

 

[CricketCheerMom]

2010 Florida Matchplay Blog

OTHER THOUGHTS WHILE WONDERING IF JOEL GOODSON EVER GOT INTO PRINCETON . . . .​

​

Here's the game plan. Cheer tournaments, meets, competitions (whatever they're called nowadays) are a fascinating event. You have overly excited girls ranging in age from 4 to 17 who have a natural inclination to scream for no reason at the drop of a hat, coupled with mothers who are living their own childhood frustrations of either (a) not being popular in high school or (b) being the head cheerleader and projecting that on their daughters, mixed in with the fathers who are (a) too overly excited about being there, (b) oblivious to the fact that they're there, or (c) me. You see, I look at everyone because I, as you know, am a keen observer of the human experience. I'm like a Ken Burns documentary.​

So, for those of you who have never experienced one of these phenomenons, I give to you my close and personal friends, a first-hand account (if not slightly skewed account) of the 2010 Florida Match Play Championships from the South Florida Fair in West Palm Beach, where "The Girl's" squad was competing on Sunday, January 31, 2010. Here's what transpired . . . ​

6:15​

- The alarm clock is going off! What day is it? Crap, I gotta get up to go to work. Wait? Huh? Wha? It's Sunday! Why am I up? Oh, yeah, it's "Match Play Day." I hit the snooze button.​

6:24​

- Alarm goes off again and now "The Mrs." is yelling that she can't find "The Girl's" cheer skirt! How am I supposed to know where it is? I don't even know what day it is!​

6:26​

- Why am I in the kitchen pantry looking for a cheer skirt? Ooh look! Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls. ​

​

Mmmmmm. Swiss Cake Rolls. It's 6:26 a.m. on a Sunday morning. Of course I'm going to sound like Homer Simpson!

6:31​

- The skirts are found. Crisis averted. I can go back to sleep.​

6:48​

- Trying to get back to sleep was the worst decision since the Amityville mayor opened the beach on the 4th of July weekend as a blood curling scream is coming from the bathroom, followed by angry yelling. Oh, it must be time to get "The Girl's" hair ready. Um, this is supposed to be fun, right? I'm up and I ain't going back to sleep . . . ​

7:29​

- "The Girl" and "The Mrs." depart . . . "The Boy" and I have the first semblance of peace. This is where typically "The Boy"and I just lounge around the house all day wearing nothing but our t-shirts and boxers, but today's competition is at the South Florida Fair and my parents are driving up from Miami to attend, so that means we actually have to get dressed.​

8:04​

- My parents arrive from Miami.​

8:41​

- Time to head off to the South Florida Fairgrounds. Start packing up the parental units into my car. It may not be a nice thing, but there is something comedic about trying to get my mother into the backseat of my convertible. We'll move on from this . . . .​

9:14​

- We arrive, go through will call, get our tickets and find our seats at the Cruzan Amphitheater. This is usually a really cool place to watch this competition and a concert, but today it's 66 degrees, cloudy, windy, and there's a drizzle in the air. Oh, yeah, this is going to be fun! "​

Lookin' good, Mr. Kotter! Lookin' good!​

"​

9:20​

- Okay, we have managed to be at the Cruzan Amphitheater for six minutes and I have now heard two teams use "Boom Boom Boom" by the Black Eyed Peas in their routine. I hate the Black Eyed Peas as much as Newman hated the clerk at "Ron's Records." Oh this is going to be a long day.​

9:29​

- Oooh. The first real big spill by a team and it wasn't pretty. Well, I guess that's what happens when your routine's music mix includes "Hungry Eyes" by Eric Carmen . . . they just should've known better.​

​

Want to mess up your cheer routine? Incorporate him into your music

9:31​

- Okay, that's a little better, Poison is playing during the minor intermission between team performances. "The Mrs." is getting excited as "Talk Dirty To Me" is playing in the background. I look around but fail to see any cougars lifting their tops toward the stage. This has got to be the biggest let down since Teri Hatcher's topless scene in ​

Heaven's Prisoners​

.​

9:36​

- Ouch! A poor girl just got kicked in the face during a routine. It looks like she's okay. Of course, all this happened during the portion of their music where "My Prerogative" by Bobby Brown was playing. Somewhere out there, Whitney Houston just yelled, "You see!" ​

9:41​

- Another lull while cheer teams clear the stage and we await the next team to take the stage. Right now the first Michael Jackson song of the day is playing ("Man In The Mirror"). I feel like I should be freaked or a bit repulsed by this (like I was last year when convicted sex offender Gary Glitter's "Rock & Roll Part I" was playing). However, I don't feel anything. Why? Well, maybe it's because most of the competitors here today are young girls, while young boys are few and far between. What? Too soon?​

9:46​

- Key West All-Stars take the stage to "Kokomo" by The Beach Boys. That's called "cheesy." ​

9:47​

- Key West All-Stars just dropped a girl. That's called "karma." ​

10:01​

- Seeing a twelve year old wearing an "I Love The Cougars" t-shirt is a bit disconcerting.​

10:14​

- Hey, hey, hey. Lookee here, the hot cougar with the obvious chemical enhancements about three rows over is checking me out. How you doin'!?! Yup, I still got it, baby! ​

10:15​

- Um . . . uh . . . well . . . okay, she's not really checking me out. I think she is wondering why I keep typing into my BlackBerry (I'm keeping this "diary" on the "Memo Pad" on my BlackBerry). Oh well, back to the action on stage . . . .​

10:21​

- OMG, some old woman (not a cougar) has just sat down in the row in front of mine and, I swear, that woman's hair hasn't moved since June 14, 1964. Seriously.​

10:29​

- OK, the team that is challenging "The Girl's" squad in her division just took the stage and I'm fighting all urges and instincts in my body to become "That Guy" and taunt them like I would the opposing team. I'll be good. I'll be courteous. I'll promise this to "The Mrs." Must fight the urge . . . must fight the temptation . . . must resist . . . .​

10:30​

- "​

Ain't got it today Noonan! Ehhh! Miss it, Noonan, MISS! NNNNNNNOONAN! MISS IT, NOONAN!! MMMMMMISS!! NNNNNNNNOONAN!! Ah, poop! Miss it! Miss it! MMMISS! NNNNNOOONAN!! AARRRGGGHHH!!!​

"​

​

"Say, fifty bucks the Smails kid picks his nose." "Fifty bucks more says he eats it."

10:31​

- What can I say? I'm a weak, weak man. At least "The Mrs." is laughing, or at least I think she's laughing. Oh well, I hope she's laughing on the inside.​

10:32​

- Okay, so now I become John Madden and critique "The Girl's" competition. I wish I had a telestrator because I am on a roll pointing out the flaws in their routine. I'm breaking it down like Peyton Manning dissecting the Jets defense in the AFC Championship Game. "​

Look right here . . . BOOM! You see, Pat, this little blond over here was late in covering her post and BAM! Now, here's a situation where Brett Favre would nail that tuck successfully, but this little redhead was a bit off and . . . POW!​

" Let's just say that I have a good feeling about "The Girl's" team this morning. Her opponent was like Tim Hutton's girlfriend in ​

Beautiful Girls​

- a solid and uninspirational 5.5 in every category.​

10:33​

- "The Girl's" team is about to take the stage. I have been assigned one job today, and that is to get quality pictures. Why me? Well, because I'm not afraid to fight through the masses of cheerleaders, moms, sisters, effeminate male cheerleaders, and nannies for the perfect shot. Right now, baby, I'm like that paparazzi who is acting on a tip that Tiger Woods is getting a handy from Rachel Uchitel behind the woodshed at Pine Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Services. I'm throwing more elbows than Bill Lambeer at the Boston Garden during the 1988 Eastern Conference Finals!​

10:35​

- "The Girl's" team is done for the day, so now I have to deal with "The Boy" who has been asking for the last two hours, "​

When are we going to the fair? When are we going to the fair? When are we going to the fair?​

"​

10:51​

- Ah, yes, the Midway at the South Florida Fair. Oh the sounds! Oh the sights! Oh the smells!​

​

"Only two things scare me and one of them is nuclear war . . . [the other are] Carnies. Circus folk. Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage. Small hands."

11:09​

- I just walked by the Himalaya ride. I swear the "DJ" in the ride who is screaming "Do you wanna go faster?" is apparently the same guy who yelled the same thing at the Immaculate Conception School Carnival in 1984. I honestly think it is him. Wow, I hate that guy as childhood memories of wanting to get off that ride come flooding into my head. I want my blankie!​

11:43​

- Holy crap! Jame Gumb is riding the bumper cars. Oh dear God! ​

"It places the lotion in the basket!"​

12:07​

- It's lunch time and the choices are multiple here at the fair. There's the Donut Burger, Deep Fried Twinkies, Deep Fried Snickers, Deep Fried Oreos and Deep Fried . . . I really don't know what they just deep fried, all I know is that I threw up a little in my mouth. Maybe I'll just skip lunch and watch "The Boy" eat his popcorn chicken and strawberry slushie.​

12:55​

- It's time to head back to Cruzan Amphitheater for the "Awards Ceremony." We arrive to hear more teams from other divisions performing to the same music. I have a weird feeling that "Boom Boom Boom" is coming back for more and I'm none too happy about that.​

1:27​

- This cheer meet is called "Match Play" because you have multiple teams competing against each other in the same division with the top two teams then going to "Match Play" which is a head-to-head competition. Now, by "head-to-head" I don't mean those old skool dance wars on the subway platforms like we saw when we were kids in ​

Beat Street​

or​

Breakin'​

(but oddly enough not in ​

Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo​

). In order to determine the order of "Match Play" the MC flips a coin.​

1:29​

- The MC flipped the coin and it comes out heads. Damn it!! I had a $5.00 prop bet with another ambivalent dad that it would be tails. You know, cheer meets like this need more prop bets to keep us dads more interested. You know, like over/under flier drops . . . -300 money line on number of times you'll hear "Boom Boom Boom," etc. Think of how much fun that would be.​

1:48​

- What's that I hear again? Yeah, it's "Boom Boom Boom" again. Seriously, will someone just kill me now, please. Make it quick . . . make it painful . . . just make it!​

​

Things I'd rather be doing over enduring having to hear "Boom Boom Boom" by the Black Eyed Peas again: (1) Watch a 2-hour Danny DeVito/Rhea Perlman sex tape, (2) Plunge Rex Ryan's backed up toilet, (3) Get seduced by a 20-year old Iranian waitress from Dave & Busters (What? Again too soon?)

1:59​

- Hey, look at that! Billy Walsh is standing in front of me blocking my view of the stage. "Hey, Billy! Suit says sit down!"​

2:14​

- Hold it right there! There is a cheer team called the "Triple Threat All-Stars"! Really? Triple? Triple what? They can punt, pass, and kick? Does that mean we're now just one year away from seeing the "Five Tool All-Stars?" Which of course leads me to the thought that you never hear someone say, "By the way, did you know my wife was a punt, pass, and kick champion?" ​

2:37​

- Every year I ask and plead that some team uses some old skool rap in their routine, and every year I leave these tournaments utterly disappointed. I'm telling you, the day a team has a routine in which their music mix contains the Beastie Boys, Run-DMC, A Tribe Called Quest, LL Cool J, Kool Moe Dee, Eric B & Rahkim, Treacherous 3, Spoonie G, Mel E. Melle, Grandmaster Flash, and Big Daddy Kane will be the day that I run around the amphitheater or arena, ripping my shirt off just like Ronaldinho after scoring a goal! Hell, I'll just settle for the dog saying "I love you" from the start of "Sure Shot" by the Beastie Boys . . . or a small sample from "Straight Outta Compton" from N.W.A.! Think about it, just as a girl is about to start her tumble run . . . "​

Straight outta Compton, crazy muthafrigga named Ice Cube . . . ​

" ​

2:38​

- Are my prayers answered? Is that . . . Is it . . . DAMN IT! NOOOOOO!!! It's another team with "Boom Boom Boom" in their routine! AGAIN!?!? C'MON!?!?! Oh just frigg me! If my head was a 1970s Florida sorority house right now, the Black Eyed Peas would be Ted Bundy! After having to hear this song repeatedly today, I'm actually rooting for the team that had "Hungry Eyes" by Eric Carmen in their routine to come back on stage!​

3:06​

- The awards ceremony is about to begin. The organizers are trying to assemble hundreds of cheerleaders on stage. I think I've seen cattle rustlers herd cats with more success. The only thing I've learned from this experience is that I now know how many times you have to tell the same cheerleaders to sit behind the white line marked on the stage floor: 2,493 times!​

3:36​

- "The Girl's" squad WON! They have now won each meet they've entered in this year. That's great. She gets to show off her medal and we get to go home. Now, where's the car.​

The next meet is in two weeks, but since "The Boy" starts baseball season then, it'll be time to split the extra curricular parental duties: "The Mrs." gets the cheering, I get ball. It's a fair trade, even though "The Mrs." is offering me two number ones and Theo Ratliff's expiring contract in a trade. Don't think I'm taking that deal.​

Is there a moral to this story? No, I just like the story . . . .​

 

[Cheer Dad]

slightly disturbed here

 

[BuegeSmalls]

Just Cheer Bows these posts are hilarious. He should write a book about a father's perspective of competitive cheerleading.

 

[CricketCheerMom]

I think we should write a book with alternating chapters....my point of view than his.

 

[Ally13]

I think we should write a book with alternating chapters....my point of view than his.

"S*** my cheer parents say"

 

[5-6-7-8]

I think we should write a book with alternating chapters....my point of view than his.

That would be amazing!!

 

[mybabywantstotumble]

Don't worry! I'm not a rat. My lips are sealed.

but you don't know who me or my daughter are. do you?????

 

[retiredl5cheer]

but you don't know who me or my daughter are. do you?????

Nope I can't say I know for sure!

 

[Callmeboots]

All these parents that don't poof their daughters hair when their coaches say it needs to be poofed...OH MY GOSH. She would have to deal with my mom redoing her hair in the arena, doubt they would ever come out of uniform again.

 

[dawgshow]

All these parents that don't poof their daughters hair when their coaches say it needs to be poofed...OH MY GOSH. She would have to deal with my mom redoing her hair in the arena, doubt they would ever come out of uniform again.

I double dog dare your mom to get CP's 3 thin strands of hair to hold a poof. Not going to happen no matter how much Aqua Net you use. Thankfully, it's not an issue, though. It might just push me over the edge. Getting her hair to hold a curl is bad enough!

 

[cheermommaRN]

Oh hey if someone wanted to poof her hair I would be all over it! That was pretty much the only way it was going to happen...

 

[Callmeboots]

I double dog dare your mom to get CP's 3 thin strands of hair to hold a poof. Not going to happen no matter how much Aqua Net you use. Thankfully, it's not an issue, though. It might just push me over the edge. Getting her hair to hold a curl is bad enough!

Do you own a teasing brush? I've dealt with a lot of tres pelos girls in my lifetime, and the teasing brush honestly does miracles.