OT Inappropriate Discussions With Athletes

[cheer25mom]

A child with a negative self schema is going to filter EVERYTHING said to them through that and it will become negative. And I mean everything. If you tell that child that their body type is too big, they will shut down and are likely to become very depressed. Damage like that takes years of counseling to resolve. I sure wouldn't want that blood on my hands. I coach because I love the kids and the sport, I'm not trying to ruin a child's body image.


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To each his own, but I think NOT being honest about it is more damaging long term. It justifies their shame.



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[dawgshow]

I think that saying "I think you're better fit as a base/back" and "you've gotten too big to fly" are two different, but equally truthful, ways to say the same thing. The first I view as the gentler way to say it. The second? Many girls would hear fat, not big.

 

[Emily]

To each his own, but I think NOT being honest about it is more damaging long term. It justifies their shame.

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I think what adds to not saying "you're too big to fly" is that the words "too big" are associated with a lot of negative terms, and whether you want it or not - kids know that. When they hear that they are too big to fly, they think of those negative terms and that they apply to themselves (even though those terms don't apply to them at all).
I find that it is okay to tell kids things about their bodies that will help them. Like your daughter is told in dance. If I tell a kid with very long legs what it has to do different during tumbling/jumps/whatever to be successful it is helpful. If I tell a kid what he/she can't do because of those long legs, it isn't helpful at best and will have her/him hate those longs legs for life at worst.

And honestly, I'm envious of your parent skills regarding your daughter's body. You should definitely pass those skills to as many parents as possible!

 

[cheer25mom]

I think what adds to not saying "you're too big to fly" is that the words "too big" are associated with a lot of negative terms, and whether you want it or not - kids know that. When they hear that they are too big to fly, they think of those negative terms and that they apply to themselves (even though those terms don't apply to them at all).
I find that it is okay to tell kids things about their bodies that will help them. Like your daughter is told in dance. If I tell a kid with very long legs what it has to do different during tumbling/jumps/whatever to be successful it is helpful. If I tell a kid what he/she can't do because of those long legs, it isn't helpful at best and will have her/him hate those longs legs for life at worst.

And honestly, I'm envious of your parent skills regarding your daughter's body. You should definitely pass those skills to as many parents as possible!

You are right, it needs to be presented positively. I am not saying you should say anyone is too big to fly, rather that their body type has changed is now more suited to x or y. I don't think not addressing it at all is the right way to go however. It sends the message that there is something there to be ashamed of.

As to parenting skills, I don't know that I am better than anyone else on that front, or that I should be handing out tips. I just want her to feel comfortable in her own skin.



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[nicolee]

I was told very gently at the age of about 12 that I was "getting a bit taller". The coaches then backed it up with a c**pload of positive reinforcement and dialogue about why smaller doesn't necessarily mean better in flying, and introduced the idea of me learning some more complex basing. They NEVER used the word "bigger" though, only "taller", so it was very clear that they were talking about my height. At this point I was still teeny tiny, but a bit of extra height meant that I needed to adjust a little bit to control my growing limbs.

My coaches were big on education. We all knew that as athletes we needed to stay healthy and strong. We also knew that kids do grow bigger, it's a fact of life, and that puberty can hit you like a fricking freight train and change your body type. So we were prepared for it, and the conversations weren't damaging, they were honest.

 

[oncecoolcoachnowmom]

Actually...

Haha. Generally. There's those few whom you start to wonder if they're planning on growing EVER and even WISH they could have the opportunity to do something else at times.

Which is awesome as long as their skills and desire continue to support flying.

Sidenote: Itty Bitty who is suddenly a hot mess in the air is almost harder to place than that girl who used to fly but is now a foot taller than everyone.

I know what I can do with a 5'6 kid on J3.

It's the junior kid who is built like a first grader yet suddenly awful in the air that will have me scratching my head because she is not adequate for either spot.

 

[njallday]

ETA: The reason I think it's negative is because it's not constructive. There's nothing a child can do to change their size, so why even bother talking about it? I emphasize my need for a strong base because it's something the child can take control of. She can run with that encouragement and make herself the best darn base on the team.

Or worse, they take matters into their own hands and DO try to do something about it, and 9 times out of 10 it's done in an unhealthy manner.

I constantly see tweets and posts by cheerleaders about purposely not eating and how they need to lose 20 lbs by majors/NCA/worlds. They start restricting their intake and start a downward spiral that can trigger a full blown eating disorder. The crop tops and cheerlebs famous for their abs put enough pressure on these kid without a coach telling them to lose a few pounds. Or my favorite, the coaches that tell the flyers to make sure they don't indulge on thanksgiving or Christmas because they'll be too heavy. I'd march my kid out of that gym but it happens constantly.

Since there are a few people on the boards who have shared about their EDs I'd be interested to hear your opinions on this topic and what you think the best way to approach the "too big to fly" issue that wouldn't trigger you to go back down that path and into a relapse.

 

[AK874]

Or worse, they take matters into their own hands and DO try to do something about it, and 9 times out of 10 it's done in an unhealthy manner.

I constantly see tweets and posts by cheerleaders about purposely not eating and how they need to lose 20 lbs by majors/NCA/worlds. They start restricting their intake and start a downward spiral that can trigger a full blown eating disorder. The crop tops and cheerlebs famous for their abs put enough pressure on these kid without a coach telling them to lose a few pounds. Or my favorite, the coaches that tell the flyers to make sure they don't indulge on thanksgiving or Christmas because they'll be too heavy. I'd march my kid out of that gym but it happens constantly.

Since there are a few people on the boards who have shared about their EDs I'd be interested to hear your opinions on this topic and what you think the best way to approach the "too big to fly" issue that wouldn't trigger you to go back down that path and into a relapse.

Even after struggling with an ED for years, I think it's really hard to have a "right" answer to this. However, I agree with all the above posters that making the conversation emphasize the person's positives is the way to go. "Big" is never going to sound complimentary. However, saying someone is tall or strong is focusing on the athlete's positives. I also think coaches should try to avoid comparing the athlete's body to their peers. Everyone's body is different and for me, my struggles really began when I started looking at girls around me and comparing myself to them, despite having a completely different body type. Especially at the youth and junior level, coaches have the chance to bolster athlete's body image and self-esteem as well as teach healthy habits (ex. Teaching that you need to feed your body with nutritious foods and sufficient calories to be able to be the best athlete you can be.). Looking back on it, most of my ideas about foods and diets and how I should look developed when I was middle school and I think it's important to pay attention to what you say.

That said, if you know the athlete already struggles with an ED, it really doesn't matter what you say. I was never a flyer, but hypothetically if I got taken out of the air, it really wouldn't matter what my coach told me. I would tell myself it was because I was a fat, disgusting pig. So, if moving that athlete is what needs to be done for the team, do it, but just make sure you take the time to talk to the athlete AND their parents as well as keep an eye on them afterwards. I think it's tough for a coach, but really if you try your best to make it positive and try to see that they are getting the support needed, you are doing the best you can in an impossible situation.

Sorry- I don't think I really added anything new to this discussion and sort of babbled, but I hope some of this makes any sense!

 

[calikaitlyn_]

I think that saying "I think you're better fit as a base/back" and "you've gotten too big to fly" are two different, but equally truthful, ways to say the same thing. The first I view as the gentler way to say it. The second? Many girls would hear fat, not big.

Although I am on a senior aged team and know very well they aren't calling me fat, if I was taken out of the air "for being too big" I would tell myself it is because of my weight and try to change it. I know this is a horrible thing, but i'm being honest. Being told I am a better fit for a base/back because I'm strong/tall/etc is a lot more positive and helps me focus on that.
P.S. Used your post as a jumping point, I agree with it!

 

[Pebbles49]

I wanted to keep my thoughts to myself, but I need to get this off my chest... Why telling and being realistic to an athlete anyway inappropriate? At a certain point in life, an athlete must be told truthfully that being a flyer is an unrealistic goal and provided with other options... I think, the longer it is not say or done, the worse it is for the athlete... If a coach is so worry about how the athlete is going to accept reality of their circumstances than that coach should discuss the situation with the athlete's parent first... But what I know, I am a straight shooter, no beating around the bush kind of woman... I already discussed this exact situation with my cp and mentioned all the advantages to being tall-- and I told her all the things she can do, as opposed to the negatives, which most of these flyers seem to hold on to and maybe, a parent might be able to delivered this news better...

 

[JMW]

Just thinking... One of the great things about the sport of cheerleading is that there is a place for all shapes and sizes! That's not true of MOST sports. A short girl is less likely to be successful in basketball or volleyball. Small football players don't usually go far. If we stopped making it seem like being a flyer is *better*, we could really help to convey that all shapes and sizes are *good* and *valuable* - more so than any other sport. It's a shame that we're not there yet.

 

[Official OWECheer]

Just thinking... One of the great things about the sport of cheerleading is that there is a place for all shapes and sizes! That's not true of MOST sports. A short girl is less likely to be successful in basketball or volleyball. Small football players don't usually go far. If we stopped making it seem like being a flyer is *better*, we could really help to convey that all shapes and sizes are *good* and *valuable* - more so than any other sport. It's a shame that we're not there yet.

TBH I don't think we'll ever reach that point.

 

[cheertired]

Interestingly, we had something like this happen at my practice last night. I fly for college, and we have a fairly new team this year. (D3 coed) we have at least 6 new boys that have just joined this past year. Now because we are not "special d1 school with weight requirements", we have girls all different sizes going up. I am one of the smaller girls, but there are others who are bigger but still hold their own. Apparently, at the cafeteria after practice, the guys started to tell some of the bigger flyers specifically that they were getting too big to put up and that they need to watch out because their spot might get replaced, and that their job as a flyer is to be as small as you can get. The boys apparently dragged me and another girl into it...saying they should look more like me and another flyer on the team. Obviously this caused drama and put me and the other girl in a very uncomfortable situation. We got talked to... Etc. now these girls absolutely refuse to eat with the guys because they are afraid they will be ripped to shreds every time they put something in their mouth. Comments about size/weight still affects girls, even at my age. It makes me sick that our sport comes across to brand new cheer babies as being all about size... Just something to consider.

 

[TealShades]

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[TealShades]

Interestingly, we had something like this happen at my practice last night. I fly for college, and we have a fairly new team this year. (D3 coed) we have at least 6 new boys that have just joined this past year. Now because we are not "special d1 school with weight requirements", we have girls all different sizes going up. I am one of the smaller girls, but there are others who are bigger but still hold their own. Apparently, at the cafeteria after practice, the guys started to tell some of the bigger flyers specifically that they were getting too big to put up and that they need to watch out because their spot might get replaced, and that their job as a flyer is to be as small as you can get. The boys apparently dragged me and another girl into it...saying they should look more like me and another flyer on the team. Obviously this caused drama and put me and the other girl in a very uncomfortable situation. We got talked to... Etc. now these girls absolutely refuse to eat with the guys because they are afraid they will be ripped to shreds every time they put something in their mouth. Comments about size/weight still affects girls, even at my age. It makes me sick that our sport comes across to brand new cheer babies as being all about size... Just something to consider.

I'm sorry you were put in that tough situation. Maybe tell the guys to lift more weights lol. Jk a little.